Everyone wants a romantic love, but everyone needs friends.
Society seems to know this. We’ve created clubs and organizations that give kids, and even adults, the chance to mingle and meet through mutual interests. Yet, some people still struggle to find fulfilling friendships. Many try to solve this problem by giving advice on making friends.
However, I know many people who face a different friendship problem. They have the friends, but they don’t have the fulfillment. Going to see their friends can feel like going to dinner and getting served an empty plate. Perhaps, you’ve felt this disconnect before, but you don’t know what to do about it. I know how that feels. Here’s how I suggest one finds fulfilling friendships.
[Note: Some may not know how to find and make friends, and I sympathize with that. Keep trying—at work, in your neighborhood, and everywhere else you go. If you want advice for this, comment down below or message me on my contact page.]
1. Get Out There
You could venture into the depths of social media platforms and video gamer chats for connection, but it’s risky. Too risky. The best way to find friendships that actually fill your soul is to put yourself out there. Metaphorically and literally.
Be willing to reach out to others. You’ll experience rejection, but most of the time, it’s not because people don’t like you. People live busy lives. Don’t give up. The rejection is worth it when you connect with someone who ends up becoming one of your closest friends.
That said, sometimes it might feel like you don’t know anyone you can contact. That’s when you should literally put yourself out there. Leave the house. Go places where you can meet people. Find places that house people with similar passions. For example, if you’re religious, go to a church or one of its activities. If you like music, go to an acoustic night. If you work out, find a fitness class. The nice part is that you have less to lose in these spaces. So you don’t meet anyone? Well, at least you spent time doing something you enjoy.
2. Look for Common Ground
Sometimes friendships start to lose fulfillment because the other person seems too different. At this point, try to overlook the things that may separate you and find the things that unite you. I do not advocate for ignoring serious matters, but in most cases our division can be bridged through recognizing commonalities.
3. Analyze the Relationship Sacrifice
Take time to consider both sides. How much do you sacrifice? How much does the other person sacrifice? Give credit where credit is due, but don’t overcompensate for either party.
If you’re the sole person putting in effort, you might feel fatigued, and it’s hard to feel satisfied when you’re tired. You may need to reevaluate how much effort you put into the relationship, depending on its importance to you and depending on what you’re receiving. If a friend’s not giving back, but you don’t want to lose out on your interactions, consider expressing your concern to them. Their reaction to appropriately stated needs will give you much insight.
On the other end, if you’re not bearing equal weight in the friendship, you might be sabotaging the satisfaction you could feel from it. We find more value in matters we contribute more to. The more you contribute to your friendship, the more you will value and find fulfillment from it.
4. Create Conversation
Find someone you can talk to. Topics can range from something silly you saw on a sidewalk to your thoughts about life and existence. Some conversations might suit certain friends better than others, but knowing you have a person you can share your mind with will lead to better fulfillment.
5. Foster Growth
You need people who will make you better and whom you will make better. If you’re stuck in the same old rut, doing the same old things, going through the same cycle, get out. Friends improve each others lives, not keep them the same, and especially not make them worse. They’re supportive of the good and honest about the harmful.
6. Prepare for Turbulence
Things get rocky. Think if you can still be a friend to that person in the hard times. Can you rely on them? Can they rely on you? No one’s perfect. There may come a period where one of you is unable to meet the other’s needs. What is important to consider is not if they will ever lack in their support, but if overall, you can count on them.
7. Recognize There Are Different Types of Friendships
Is this a friend-friend, a school friend, or a work friend? A teammate? A ride and die? The word “friend” has varying meanings, depending on whom it references. You might get sucked into thinking that every friend you hang out with has to be the complete package: someone there for the laughs and the cries, someone you can banter and speak deeply with, someone who reaches out to you as often as your reach out to them.
This thinking can lead to problems. Am I saying that people shouldn’t be kind, fun, and funny? No way! But people are people. They have their own thoughts and needs, and along with those, they certainly have their imperfections. If you get caught wanting all your friends to fulfill all of your needs, it might be helpful to temporarily think of them in terms of categories.
Some friends might be the ones you can text last minute to watch a movie. Other friends might be the ones that need at least a week’s advance notice, but when you’re together, you do something meaningful and enriching for the relationship. Some friends might make you laugh, but they have a hard time understanding what to do when you cry. Other friends might comfort you in just the right way, but their jokes, endearingly enough, always fall flat.
Each friendship has different qualities. Maybe each friendship can’t satisfy all of our needs, but through many diverse friendships, we can still find ourselves fulfilled.
I hope each of you can find friends that make your life better—the type you remember, even years after you’ve moved apart. Even more so, I hope each of you can become the friend that shares the laughs and the tears with others, so that together, we can make life a little better for everyone.
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