The biggest heartbreak I have ever experienced happened my freshman year of college. It involved airplane tickets to Europe, drunken nights at clubs, and inciting an argument via Instagram comments. It also involved losing the person I loved the most.
The details of that story would take an entire blog post + more to cover. One day I plan to share about it. Until then, I want to talk about the life-changing moment that happened right before I called a quits on my relationship.
As an eighteen year old, I still heavily relied on my mom’s advice off and on. For many days, I had erupted into crying fits in private and silent hidden tears in public. Once again, my boyfriend had cut off communication with me. In a long distance relationship, you have nothing but communication, so this destroyed me.
When I called my mom to talk to her about the situation with my boyfriend, the recent worldwide church conference, and other topics, she stopped and asked me, “What do you think about leaving for your mission in July?”
I turned nineteen in July. That’s when I could have gone away to do volunteer service for my church. My original plan was to wait until I had played soccer at my college for two years, but my mom’s proposal brought a sense of peace and calm. I would go—if I could guarantee that I could come back and play soccer at my college.
That meant I needed to talk to my coach.
As I waited for our appointment, I tried to focus on organizing what I would say to my coach, but others thoughts interrupted my planning. These thoughts involved my boyfriend. My anxiety wanted to plan for my relationship, not for my future. Should I stay with him or leave him?
By the time I went into my coach’s office, I hadn’t reached a decision.
Trying to sort out my priorities, I first confirmed that I could go on a mission and come back to play on the team afterward. Then all the thoughts about my relationship spilled out.
This didn’t surprise my coach. He was a father and a coach of college soccer girls, after all.
He gave me three key pieces of advice:
- Find someone you can progress with.
- Don’t get back together with someone for at least a year.
- If the person wants to be with you, they’ll be whom you need them to be, even if you’re not together.
When I imagined my future with that boyfriend, I could see us staying steady. We’d progress as much as you’d expect aging adults to. But would we inspire one another to improve? No. In fact, we’d likely have disagreements about what our improvement as a couple should look like.
Because I loved this boyfriend, I had broken up and gotten back together with him once already. My tender heart wanted nothing more than to believe that my dreams could be fulfilled with him. But I had no reason to think that might happen. Most of his actions had shown me the opposite would be true: I would miss out on my dreams if I stayed with him. If he made big changes, great. But big changes don’t happen quickly—hence the year minimum of waiting to get back together.
The final piece of advice was my favorite: “If the person wants to be with you, they’ll be whom you need them to be, even if you’re not together.” It applies to all situations. A person ready for a relationship will be ready for a relationship before it starts. A person that will fit you won’t need to do drastic personality surgery just to fit your standards or needs. The right person will have chosen to be who they are because they want to be that way, not because they’re trying to gain your approval.
After hearing all this advice, I broke up with my boyfriend. It hurt. The events that followed … well, like I said. I could take up an entire blog post talking about it. But my coaches advice saved me from a bad situation—bad for me and bad for my boyfriend.
Six years have passed by since I have received this advice, and it’s value has only increased. I’ve seen people follow it and others stray from it, and, typically, the people who have followed it have been happier with themselves and their choices. I only hope that those who read it now can benefit from it as much as I have.
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