People complain about living paycheck to paycheck. They talk about financial pinches and scares. They talk about the exhausting work they put in for their 401k and savings. They talk about reaching a financially stable, if not flourishing, place.
Each day, I hear something about finances from friends, family, or influencers. The more I hear people talk about it, the more I realize this: people don’t know how to be broke.
That’s why I’m here. I want to help you learn how to become more like me: a broke a** b****. (See—it’s age appropriate so you can pass this on to your kids.)
1. Get Educated
It’s nice to know that universities offer many degrees that will not guarantee you a job! If you’re lucky, these universities will not set up networking opportunities for you, and they definitely won’t help you find an internship that looks good on your resume.
That said, try and attend a school that will accrue you a lot of debt. Somewhere out of state, perhaps? Somewhere that has stingy scholarship requirements and keeps the easy-to-qualify-for scholarships hard to find. There’s nothing better than finding out your university has stores of money intended for students, yet completely untapped by those same students.
2. Make Time for Hobbies and Passions
If I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again: make time to do the things that you love. Chances are, it costs money, and as more people begin to pursue their hobbies and passions, prices will rise because of the demand! You thought crocheting was cool? Great. Now thousands of others do, too. Go hit the stores and find that your supplies cost 3x as much.
Or maybe you’re like me and you’re into something like sports and music. You’ll not only have to pay for supplies, but often times you’ll have to pay for a place to participate in these passions, if you want to enjoy them in a community setting.
If you don’t know where to start, go the easy route and just give yourself time to be entertained. Streaming services, movies, and at home libraries will surely wrack up your monthly bills.
3. Work a Reasonable Amount of Hours
They say work can take a toll on your mental, emotional, and physical health. Well, it can stabilize you financially too, so in all cases, try your best to not work too much. Take time off for the holidays, go on vacation without PTO, and don’t push yourself to work past 40 hours each week. Nothing indicates you’re reaching your broke diva dreams like receiving a reduced paycheck each pay period.
4. Don’t Tolerate Toxic Work Environments
Unicorns exist. Places that pay you well and treat you well, exist. However, you don’t want to end up in a career among unicorns. Instead, go for the more common option: somewhere that treats you well and pays you next to nothing.
Sure, there’s the other common option of working somewhere that pays you the big bucks. But those places are often toxic. And toxicity sucks, and so does money. So just don’t do it.
What? You can’t resist? Okay. Do what I did for a year: get overworked and underpaid. If you’re going to tolerate toxicity, just make sure they’re not paying you well.
Or better yet…
5. Chase Your Dreams
If you dream of becoming a doctor, attorney, or engineer, get out of here. You don’t belong in this article. Unless you suck at managing finances and can somehow still go broke. I’ve seen it happen, and I’d like to say you’re the best of us all. You can stay.
Of all the people, I hope you can trust me when I tell you chasing your dreams will financially ruin you. I’ve never stopped dreaming, and I’ve never stopped trying, and since I don’t have any family wealth to rely upon, I’m losing money by the minute!
Heck, the fact that I’m writing this article for a blog that gets LESS THAN FIFTY VIEWS A WEEK shows that I’m committed to this broke babe lifestyle.
And don’t worry—I’ve kept in mind that it’s not just chasing after my blogger dream. The title does says dreamsssss, right? It’s key that you have multiple ambitions in life. For example, instead of making money, I also consume a lot of time producing social media content that can’t be monetized because of the lack of views AND, like everyone else in the world, I’m trying get an agent and publish a book that might not even be bought.
I know. You can learn a lot from me.
6. Be Adventurous
Explore the world. Discover other cultures and open your mind to varying perspectives. Live, laugh, pay up.
7. Stick to Your Standards and Values
I, for one, do not believe in selling my body. And every day I’m reminded of how much money I’d make by selling feet pics. But here I am. Because an industry thriving off lust, one that is tied to sex trafficking and rape, kind of grosses me out. And even when it’s consensual, I still think it’s kind of gross to reduce a person’s existence down to that kind of selfish usage.
So, no feet pics. No money. But hey—at least I know my feet look good.
8. Be a Law Abiding Citizen
Ain’t nothing gonna make me cheer “yay” like tax day! Woohoo! And let’s give a special nod to insurance. Thank you for taking my money and giving so little back when I needed you.
Well, thanks for taking my dad’s money. I’m not quite 26, so I’m not quite fully a broke b****.
9. Be Independent
There’s nothing like making it on your own. Having your own place. Footing your own bills. There’s nothing like it because it’s one of the quickest ways to tank your bank account.
Luckily, here in the U.S. of A, we’re used to independence. With the mass amounts of people who come from screwed up families, you’ll have no struggle living on your own and going broke. After all, it’s better than triggering your trauma.
10. Be Social
That said, don’t isolate yourself completely. Go out with your friends! Spare no expense to keep up with whatever hip, new activity is trending. Throw axes, make candles, fly to Japan.
Will you lose your friends if you lose your home and means to provide for yourself? In this world, sadly, yes. You’ll likely lose a lot of them. But that is as broke babe as it gets—so poor you can’t afford to see your friends anymore? Success!
(Are you crying by this point? Me too.)
11. Visit Family
Okay. So, be independent enough that you live far away, but don’t be so independent that you never see your flesh and blood. This will ensure an annual drop in your checking account (if your family is as persistent as mine), whether you purchase a plane ticket or gasoline (or pay to charge up your car—but if you can afford that, you’re doing this poor thing wrong).
12. Get a Dog (or Any Pet)
Instead of wild animals, I call these wild cards. A pet will keep you from getting comfortable. Think you have all your bills paid? Nope! Your dog just ate your laptop charger’s cord. You’ll need to pay for a new pet visit and new tech. Think your pet is healthy now? Nope! They found something stanky on the sidewalk and ate it when you weren’t looking.
The expenses won’t stop, but if you’re gonna go broke, might as well go broke with a dog.
13. Take Care of Your Physical Health
Gym memberships. Doctor appointments. Unprocessed food. They all cost more, especially in the United States.
14. Take Care of Your Mental + Emotional Health
Therapy. Medication. Self-care. If you’re lucky like me, none of it’s free.
15. Roll Around in Romance
Nowadays, it doesn’t matter if you’re a woman or a man. Romance costs the big bucks. You’ll need to pay for presents (for anniversaries, birthdays, and sweet gestures), and you’ll need to pay for dates. Creating budget friendly date ideas can be tricky, so don’t bother. If you’re going to spend money, might as well spend it on a potential love of your life. Why? Because if that falls through, you get to find a new person to spend money on.
If you decide to invest yourself in the relationship, try to rush into it. Try to do it as young as possible, and WHATEVER YOU DO, don’t sign a prenup. Chances are, you’ll not have enough time to save money and you’ll have to go into debt for engagement photos, wedding expenditures, and honeymoon expenses. And since you rushed it, and since most couples need this, you’ll need to find yourself an MFT (Marriage & Family Therapist). Put as much money as you can into therapy, but don’t put any effort into practicing what you learn because—ding! Ding! Ding! You’ve landed upon the ultimate soul crushing way to go broke: divorce.
And lucky you—you didn’t sign a prenup.
16. Have Kids
I haven’t done this yet, so all my advice comes from other sources. That said, if I were you, I’d make this one fun. Keep the condoms, but poke little holes in some of them. Then you can play roulette with sperm. The less you plan for financial expenses, the better.
If the whole sperm + egg thing isn’t possible for you and your partner, just go with the most expensive way to obtain a child. No matter how you bring them into your lives, they’ll be taking your money for the rest of their lives.
There you have it. These are my top tips for how to become a broke a** b****. Some of you might have special challenges on your journey to this new lifestyle. Perhaps you have a trust fund, generational wealth, or grew up in upper middle class. It might take more effort for you to get there, but don’t worry. It’s possible for all of us to reach this low.
Because when all else fails, there’s always shopping.
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