Self-Care Sucks (Sometimes)

Treat yo’ self. Massages, sweet goodies, new clothes, a night out, meditation. All of these stress relievers fall under the umbrella of self-care.

Frequently, when people think of self-care, they think about the delights previously mentioned. Maybe that’s because of the legendary Parks and Recreation “Treat Yo Self” episode (season 4 episode 4—go watch it after reading this). Those relaxing, rejuvenating respites can be self-care.

We all need breaks. We need moments to take ourselves out on a date and say, “Hey, you’re worth this.” Even if you can’t afford more than some fries and a frosty, the effort to show ourselves that we recognize our worth is important. It’s like if you value your high-end, expensive, non-stick pan. You don’t use it nonstop, scratching the bottom with a fork, putting it through anything and everything with no regard to its condition or well-being. You put it to work, but then you take care of it afterward.

As an adult human (and not an inanimate object), we have the responsibility over ourselves. Yeah. I know. It kind of sucks.

Unlike when we were kids, no one else can fill the position of primary caretaker. Recognize the verb there. It’s not just that no one else should, but truly, no one else can.

Sure, do people try? Yes. It most commonly happens with romantic partners, and as these romantic partners try to be your primary caretaker, they’ll experience burnout because adult beings are demanding, and we all have our own crap to deal with, and once that burnout comes, they’ll let you down, and then there will be more demands on the table, and things will get messier and messier.

You might try to find loopholes to this. (“Well, what if I’m their primary caretaker and their my primary caretaker?”) I’d need more than an entire blog post to explain why those loopholes will not work, so I’m asking you to give me the benefit of the doubt here, just long enough that we can get back to the subject at hand: self-care.

Sometimes it is as sweet as we want it to be. Sometimes it sucks.

If taking care of ourselves only meant fries and frosty treats, then it’d be a piece of … well perhaps that’s enough dessert metaphors. It’d be easier. But just as children need more than little snacks to keep them going, so do we.

A parent who exclusively ensures their kid eats candy and gets new toys sounds fun, but they’re not fulfilling their job as a caretaker. Their kid needs more than the exciting goodies. They need their teeth brushed, vegetables and fruit, daily physical activity, positive social interaction, safe physical and verbal affirmation, trips to the doctor, and so, so much more.

Once they’re all grown up, are they done needing these things? Nope! But they can’t solely rely on any one person to provide them. They’ve graduated to becoming a primary caretaker of themselves and taking on these responsibilities.

All these chores might make you drag your feet. I say that because I drag my feet to do the dishes or make the effort to floss when I’m tired. I know it’s good to stretch after I exercise, but the arduous recovery does not seem worth it, so too often I skip it.

On first glance, these responsibilities are just another burden upon our shoulders, another thing to wear us down. I can’t say there is no truth to that. It can take effort to accomplish these tasks. But here’s the thing: more often than you would think, real self-care takes effort.

Mic drop.

I know! Don’t exit quite yet! It’s not the most thrilling to hear that in order to truly take care of yourself, you’re gonna need to put in some elbow grease. You might be thinking, “Don’t I do enough already?”

That’s valid. Many of us are overloaded. That’s why many of us run to quick fixes and ignore the longer lasting ones that would ask an increase in our self-care efforts. But like in many other situations, the fix that arrives in a short time also endures a short time.

Unfortunately, candy and cucumber facials aren’t cure-alls.

For true self-care, we also have to do some of the stuff that sucks.

Only you know what you’re lacking in, but let me expose an important item of self-care I’ve been neglecting for myself.

I could do better at stretching after I exercise. Sure, skipping it here and there won’t hurt me, but over time I’ve noticed my muscles getting tighter. My recovery takes longer. I’ve come close to injury more frequently than usual. It’s put me in a worse position to neglect stretching, and all because I didn’t want to take a half-hour to look after my physical well-being.

However, when I’ve chosen to dedicate that time to myself and my real needs, I’ve felt better physically and internally. It brought me a sense of peace knowing and feeling that I had taken care of myself. I no longer had to worry about the task or the consequences I would have suffered from skipping the self-care.

It’s not easy to step from procrastination to activation. Cut yourself some slack. Surely the self-hate will not provide premium fuel for your tank. The best way to get your motor going is to plan out what you need and how you will get it. Then commit.

For example, I can plan out uninterrupted time to stretch after exercising. If I’m able to, I’ll plan to grab my stretching mat first thing when I come home and lay it out. Knowing myself, having the environment set will be enough to get me to stretch. However, also knowing myself, there’s a chance I’ll bail out and not grab the mat. I’ll go straight to the shower. If I keep doing this, I know it will be easier for me to stretch while I’m still in activity mode, so I’ll grab a mat at the gym and stretch there instead. These baby steps will get me back into a routine until I’m less avoidant and able to stretch at home again.

When trying to move toward these harder, yet more positive self-care tasks, it’s important to try not to leap over a river. We’re not superman. We’ll end up drowning.

Reach for the self-care that, yes, takes effort, but perhaps just an once more of effort than you’re used to. Maybe you know you would fair better emotionally if you could pour your thoughts and feelings into a journal, but you never get to it in the daytime, and at night your tired and decide to go to sleep instead (or doom scroll because it’s an easier “quick fix”).

To make the journaling self-care more accessible, you could purchase a one-line-a-day journal. Leave it out on your nightstand, a pen next to it, noticeable and ready to use. When night comes, you can journal a thought or two in a few seconds. It’s a small reprieve with a noticeable difference, and it gets you into a healthy habit that will prepare you for the bigger reprieve that comes from longer journal entries.

For most things, I’ve found that doing them with a friend helps me to accomplish them. It doesn’t always help to make the tasks into a habit, as people can turn into crutches, but it’s a process, and a step forward is a step forward.

I’ve had friends do the dishes with me, stretch with me, heck they’ve even journaled with me (as in, we wrote in our journals at the same time together because, you know, a certain degree of privacy is important too).

No one, including me, can tell you exactly what self-care you need. The examples above are merely guides. If you examine your life and find that you do need to relax, turn your brain off, and watch a television show, then go for it. If you find that you need to get out of the house and get your feet moving, then that can be good to. What matters is that these things take care of your well-being, not put off taking care of yourself because, when it comes down to it, procrastination is easy.

Sometimes self-care sucks. It requires growth. Effort. But don’t skip out on yourself. Take the time to show that you want to take care of your physical well-being, your emotional and mental well-being. Even if you are your primary caretaker, you can reach out to friends, family, and other support systems (cough-cough, therapists) to help you in your self-care goals. As hard as it can be, it’s time you start showing yourself that you’re worth the effort.