Insecure & THRIVING

I was confident.

It’s hard to describe exactly what it felt like. Science works against me on this one: my brain remembers the confidence much less vividly once it’s gone. But I do remember how much easier joy came to me.

Through my adulthood, I’ve been carving through the black walls of self-doubt to reach a place where I could feel peace about myself. See the light of accepting and loving myself, even though I’m a “work in progress.”

It took 24 years until I made a big leap forward, and an additional year until I felt like I finally made a hole in that last wall and glimpsed the sun.

Then, in the span of two days, that changed.

Trauma sucks, you know. Especially when it’s tied to the people you’ve known in intimate ways, whether through emotional proximity or relationship longevity. Trauma can be healed or healing, but all it takes is a threat and a couple people telling you how much you suck at something you love to really drag you back to that pit of darkness.

Oh, which is what happened to me.

But why would it matter if someone did that, right?

Blog post upon blog post, reel upon TikTok upon YouTube video, I have spoken about why I do what I do: it’s a good thing that I love and can help others with. It’s not about helping many others but about finding the few that I can truly impact. It’s taken growth and maturity to find true satisfaction and contentment with getting under ten likes, twenty views, whatever.

I’m not in it for the social media influencer game. I post when I am capable, I post what I enjoy and what I feel will help others, and I do what works for me.

In other posts I’ve said that, at the end of the day, it’s not about drowning out the voice of others. It’s not about helping millions. If you can help one, that is enough. And if that one is you, then great.

Then I received that hateful upbraiding. There were losses in my life after that and suddenly, even knowing it was wrong how I was put down, even knowing these people have such little interaction with me and haven’t invested in enough healthy interactions to know me, even knowing all the good I’ve done, all the good I plan to do, and all the bad I regret … I felt insecure again.

Far worse, I became depressed. Thanks to coping methods I’ve learned, I could function and I didn’t spiral emotionally. Thanks to friends and people who love me, I had support—the best support actually cause these are the people who will love me unconditionally and let me know if something is off, instead of trying to make me fill a certain role or bottling up their thoughts and feelings.

So, it could have been worse.

But I still felt numb a lot. Still cried. Still felt insecure.

More than a month has passed and the insecurity hasn’t gone away. Like, it never received an invite in the first place. Why is it lingering when the depression party has clearly come to a close?

Well, as a girly who only recently felt like she had reached her prime confidence, it’s no surprise that a blow like this would do some damage. Even the most self-assured would feel pained.

So, I started to ask myself what I could do about it. How could I get rid of this insecurity and get back to what I had?

Then I shook my head. Well, first, I could start by asking the right question. Getting rid of feelings is not a real solution, and going back is impossible.

So, instead, how can I feel secure about myself again? And in the meanwhile, how can I live while feeling insecure?

Already, I was using coping skills. I recognized my insecure thoughts and feelings were not always truths, and I reminded myself of the truths: I am worthy of love. I’m a good writer. What I am doing is worth it, even if it’s not widespread or of the highest quality.

I kept engaging with my friends and loved ones who let me be myself, and I kept showing up as my genuine self.

There’s a lot I was doing, so when it came down to it…

I had to wait. I had to wait for my actions to take affect because healing will take time.

Which is often unideal and annoyingly the case.

The most unnerving part about all of this is that I just want to go back to the joyful feeling confidence brought. I want to embrace myself as easily as I did before. I’m worried about losing out on life and experiences because I’m not as assured as before.

The self-doubt has me scared that I won’t get to live as fully and lively as I want to. Perhaps, in some instances, that will be true.

But I had this thought. I can do it insecure.

I can write my blog post and publish it, while insecure.

I can film my social media posts and share them, while insecure.

I can get excited about trying new makeup that I never use, while insecure.

I can go out on dates, read books, build lego sets, walk my dog, imagine new scenes for my book, plan for the future, and love myself, while insecure.

It won’t be as easy, but part of loving myself is accepting where I am right now. It’s not just accepting the best version of Mandy. It’s accepting a Mandy that feels insecure.

Allowing myself that love in my more frail states also allows me to continue thriving in my personal life as my emotional wellbeing is healing. If anything, it sets me up for a more effective and radical healing.

I am not without flaw (yes, even major flaws—message to the tightly wounded: you can stop nitpicking now, and if you think I suck, stop giving me the time of day).

In my secure and insecure times, I had flawed moments where I compromised who I am to fit the standard of what was popular.

I used to love posting in cooler colors, but everyone else posted in light, warm colors. Eventually, I followed suit. I’ve had moments where I decided to prove that I could gain a following, if I changed my standards and followed typical social media strategy (posting every day and following every trend). I wore myself thin and went against everything I had said about the numbers not mattering.

So, while I’m heading back to a fully secure Mandy, I want to make sure I get there the right way.

I want to post in cool colors. I don’t want to limit myself to a small niche, but I want to share multiple things I love and have benefited from, and hopefully I’ll find an audience that it resonates with, even if that is small. I want to continue to feel more and more like myself and show that in whatever I post.

Maybe I’ll still confine to some rules (like using proper punctuation and capitalization—boring as it is, I can see why an author might want to abide by that in most cases). However, I’m not going to be anyone but Mandy.

I’m a person who will change over time, but at least I’m a person trying to change for the better—for my sake and the sake of others.

And writing all this out might not benefit anyone. There might not be a single person who makes it to these final lines. That’s okay. I’m here and right now, I’m feeling just a little more confident.