Okay, clearly it’s a little more than a year, so, for my pedants, we can secretly call this “15 Months After My ‘Quarter-Life Crisis.'” For my readers, my apologies on the thinning of content. The past three months have contained anything from adopting a rescue dog to getting engaged. When I’m posting less content, just know I’m likely gaining experiences that will probably contribute to you receiving more content in the long run.
Now, moving on…
I used to wonder why people kept saying we needed to erase the mental health stigma. Hadn’t we done that already—for the most part?
At least people were willing to talk about therapy (sometimes). At least people were willing to share when they were struggling (sometimes). At least…
At least I was willing to share, in hopes that it helped others.
Last year, I posted about what I called a “quarter-life crisis.” It’s a catchy title, no? Well, I needed people to read that blog post because I needed them to see they weren’t alone.
In my post, I shared about how my mistakes, imperfections, and fear of the future had made me feel sad, and in the worst times, suicidal. I was in my 20s and had studied psychology in my own time, so I knew that decade of life was especially hard for one’s mental health.
Suicide is the second leading cause of death for those ages 25–34, and it’s third for those ages 15–241. Every year, 12.8 million people seriously think about suicide2.
But mental health isn’t a stigma, so it’ll all be okay, right? It will get better, right?
The more I share my mental health story, and the more others do so too, the more I hope that is the case. So far, it hasn’t been. For decades, suicide and depression have worsened.
As a society, there’s a bunch of people advocating for eliminating the mental health stigma and being open and showing support and acting with kindness. As a society, there’s a bunch of people pretending they don’t need therapy and hiding the negative parts of themselves (including their feelings) and judging others and inflicting shame—likely in attempts to avoid focusing on their negative parts.
We preach creating a better place to live and accepting ourselves despite imperfections and letting others change. Then when it comes down to it, many people don’t feel safe enough to share the imperfect parts of themselves or their lives because there are others who would scrutinize them, refuse to let them make amends, or refuse to let them move on from their past, no matter how much they’ve changed.
So, many people are struggling and many people are keeping it to themselves.
That’s why I shared about my crisis last year, and that’s why I’m going to share how I’m doing one year later. Because I’m willing to be vulnerable—in an appropriate format—if it means that I can be there for someone who feels alone and too scared to reach out for help.
If that’s you, let me tell you this: I’m right here. I’ve been where you are, and I have you in my heart. There is hope.
You see, a year ago I felt a whirlwind of emotions for a plethora of reasons. I’d experienced hard times, but it felt like those hard times were the rain before the tornado. When the tornado came, and I stood in the center of it, I couldn’t see a way out. At any moment I would get swept off my feet and flung to my fate.
Even with all those emotions, I considered myself lucky that I’d had enough therapy, read enough about psychology theories, and practiced applying what I had learned enough to know what to do in the most dire of times. Thankfully, I had help and did not use self-harm as a way to cope—I used coping skills like journaling, deep breathing, and going on walks. I had friends that I could talk to when I felt like the tornado was more than a rough wind—it was a drill digging me into the deepest parts of the ground.
I’m lucky in all these ways, and I’m still a human being living on earth. I have still experienced difficulties and events that left me questioning if life would ever get better, if I had a purpose here.
Viktor E. Frankl, a holocaust survivor, psychologist, and neurologist, wrote a quite famous book about how purpose gives man the meaning they need to continue on with life. Of course, having gone through a global atrocity, Frankl also recognizes the difficulty in finding purpose in the modern day—even without anything as will-shattering as a war.
“The existential vacuum is a widespread phenomenon of the twentieth century,” Frankl said. “… the traditions which buttressed [mankind’s] behavior are now rapidly diminishing. No instincts tells him what he has to do, and no tradition tells him what he ought to do; sometimes he does not even know what he wishes to do.”3
Last year, I knew deep in my heart what I wanted, but I didn’t have the hope that it could happen. There were many events, including targeted cyberbullying and loss of a family member, that filled me with this hopelessness. Add on the difficulty in finding a job in my field (an increasingly relatable struggle), the inability to connect with my audience like I had before, and the normal daily set-backs and it drove me into a depressed state.
As I mentioned in my post last year, I had called 988 a few times because none of my coping mechanisms were working. There were times when friends and family were not available, and I wanted to deal with my emotions in a smart way. I didn’t want to make choices based on my anxiety or my overwhelming sadness: I wanted to be safe.
Those short calls gave me what I needed, but a lot of people don’t even know what three digitals to dial if they’re having dark thoughts. A lot of people don’t even think to call the hotline because it’s embarrassing or because it’s not talked about enough. Why would they think of something that’s only mentioned on posters and not in personal experiences? And can you blame them if they know about it, but they want to avoid the ridicule they might receive for being so vulnerable?
Vulnerability is an act of bravery, and it is much better than choosing to bury your feelings by bullying and harming others. It is much better than choosing to harm yourself.
Yet, some of the targeted cyberbullying I received was on my “quarter-life crisis” post. These people likely felt justified, but does justice ever come from verbally harming a person who has admitted to feeling suicidal?
I can’t think of another person who would not have been depressed or at the very least felt immense sorrow if they had been in my shoes.
Again, I had no job. I had to deal with the death of a loved one. I had medical issues. I had bullies. I had heavy regrets to wrestle with. And I had all the insecurities of a 25-year-old wondering if she had failed in life.
You might wonder how things could get better. How would my next year go if I were trying to cope with these traumas, yet still struggling?
This is how it went:
The difficulties never came to a sudden end. I sought out help from therapists and others, but not one session changed my life and fixed everything. All the sessions together provided me with the consistent mental health support I needed as I continued to practice my coping skills.
A therapist reminded me that the healing process is not a linear line going up. It’s not even a line going up and down based on events. It’s a line going up, down, left, right, overlapping in circles, squares, and triangles.
Healing is all over the place. It’s more than good and bad days. It’s a mixture of various feelings and thoughts that change throughout the hours.
I can’t pinpoint when it got better because there wasn’t a “and things are better now” moment. However, overall, the more I practiced coping, the more effective it became.
As I put in the effort to be vulnerable with trusted friends and try to develop deeper relationships, I found people I felt safe continuing to share with and eventually achieved what are now very deep relationships with friends I know I can turn to before I’m at rock bottom.
As I developed better boundaries and respect for myself, I gained better protection to keep me from avoidable, unnecessarily harmful experiences with others. In addition, I gained the unintended benefit of finding out who cared enough about having a relationship with me to respect my boundaries and put in effort as well to have that friendship, familial relationship, romantic relationship, etc.
More than not, taking care of myself became a pleasure and a safeguard, not a chore. Journaling wasn’t a task I felt shame about neglecting, it was a tool I felt relief about using whenever I had the time. The same applied to all my other aforementioned tools.
Changing myself changed my environment as well. Everything seemed lighter, safer. The people around me were those who loved me despite my failings, who truly listened to and saw me.
With the ways my environment didn’t change, I could handle it differently. No one could ever bring back my dead loved one, but I could hold and comfort my grief. No one could stop me from experiencing other painful events, but with an improved personal environment and refined mental health skills, I could experience that pain without collapsing entirely.
NOT TO MENTION, if I so happened to collapse due to a painful event in my life, I would know how to get back up. I would know how to sit with the uncomfortable experience of not being able to get back up for a time. I would know where to turn for help again, and I would remember this year of my life, when hopelessness slowly but surely returned to hope again.
The worse thing for a person would be thinking they have jeopardized their future because they let themselves feel what it’s like to be in a difficult time of life.
One of the most awful things a human being can do is try to reinforce a feeling of grief or hopelessness that another has. It may not be a physical push, but verbally and emotionally pushing another being toward depression and death is terrible. We must be better.
Even so, those who have done this also deserve the opportunity to change and move on from their past, with acknowledgment and not ignorance toward the damage they have caused. If they have examined their actions, taken accountability, and tried to achieve recompense… well, that’s all they can do.
As much as I have been on the end of wanting justice, it is also unreasonable to withhold forgiveness and continue with unending condemnation toward those who have given a true effort toward apologizing and changing. We must move on, in whatever way may be best.
For the people who refuse to take responsibility of their own actions, do not apologize, and continue to justify their cruelty: this isn’t a game. Recognize your own emotions and don’t forget the way your actions can harm others. Don’t forget the second leading cause of death of adults ages 25–34. Do you really want to contribute to that statistic? Accountability, self-reflection, and grappling with emotions is difficult, but it’s better than bullying. We need to stop treating human life like it isn’t sacred, like other people are disposable.
You are worth life. Even more so, you deserve to live.
While I never attempted to take my life, I am glad for all the days I got out of my bed and continued to actively live. I am glad that I continued to practice my coping skills when I couldn’t get out of bed and that I never stopped seeking help from others.
Today I am engaged to the love of my life. In every cheesy and meaningful way, he really is my person. I am glad I have the capacity to help a rescue dog, along with my precious corgi. I have a job in my field and can fully provide for myself, which at one point seemed impossible. I feel a closeness with friends that I haven’t felt for years.
I have questions and doubts and fears, and there are still things in my life that I am working on. It will likely always be that way. Overall, however, I am happy and hopeful.
A year later, I can confidently say, I am better than ever. I believe I am no exception. There is hope.
As Samwise Gamgee said, “There’s some good in this world … And it’s worth fighting for.”
Fight for the good in the world, and especially fight for the good that will come into your life as you continue the excruciating battle to have hope again. It may seem like darkness surrounds you—and maybe it does. But you can get to the light. It will likely be gradual and it will take more time than you want it to, but it will also happen.
Good will come to us again.
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2021). 1999-2020 Wide ranging online data for epidemiological research (WONDER), multiple cause of death files [Data file]. National Center for Health Statistics.http://wonder.cdc.gov/ucd-icd10.html ↩︎
- SAMHSA, C. for B. H. S. and Q. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.samhsa.gov/data/sites/default/files/reports/rpt42728/NSDUHDetailedTabs2022/NSDUHDetailedTabs2022/NSDUHDetTabsSect6pe2022.htm#tab6.68b
↩︎ - Frankl, V. E., Lasch, I., Kushner, H. S., & Wnislade, W. J. (2015). Man’s Search for Meaning (p. 106). Boston, Mass: Beacon Press.
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