“Short-term Long Distance” Relationship Advice

Successful long distance relationships are a stretch when it comes to physical and emotional separation. They’re not impossible, just hard and less likely. Thus, crowds go wild with shouts and hollers when a couple can function healthily in a long distance relationship.

It helps to remember that eventually the distance for a couple may be as short as the living room to the kitchen. Thoughts such as these provide hope and help. These type of thoughts are also especially helpful to the couples who already have a determined end date to their divided presence—to those who are doing long distance for a temporary amount of time.

In other words, the couples who are in a “short-term long distance” relationship.

Although my direct experience in this field is not as vast as many others, I have still learned much through my short periods of separation from people I have dated. In addition, I have learned even more from many of my friends who have gone through even longer periods of separation.

So, here’s some advice in five basic points for couples going through a short-term physical separation. The advice provided can be modified based off of season and length of the period apart.

1. Communication

In any relationship, long distance or not, functional communication is key. That’s why experts always talk about it. Now, when I say functional, I mean communication that includes respect, listening, and efforts to selflessly understand. This excludes sarcasm, name calling, comparison, ignoring/silent treatment, blaming, harsh tones, derogatory remarks, references to past incidents, and more. Unfortunately, the list of what not to do could get really long. Realistically, keep the other person’s well-being at the forefront of your mind and you will find it much easier to have functioning communication.

The challenge in long distance communication is often the when and how.

For when (and partly how): Some couples may FaceTime multiple times a day, while others may only do it once a week. Some may prefer to stick to phone calls. Others may only text. If a couple is really old fashioned (and may I add: inspiring), they may write each other letters now and again. All of these tools work well for communicating. However, I would avoid talking only over text messages. Phone calls open up an opportunity for direct communication, which provides a space for growth and spontaneity. Unfortunately, texting can eventually become a crutch for the lazy; it’s far more convenient. However, relationships aren’t about convenience. They take effort. So, make the effort to call, if only once a week. That said, ensure to make time in each other’s schedule to call at least once a week. If you want a relationship to prosper, you need to prioritize it.

Overall, discuss your desires and expectations with your partner. If you want to talk every day, let them know. If you feel more comfortable doing it less often, express that as well. But, be flexible and feasible. If your significant other is making efforts to have a phone call, but can only find time in their schedule to do it twice a week, or can only talk for thirty minutes at a time, adjust and understand. Balance is not always easy.

For how: Plenty of people may agree that calling is important. Yet, another discord seems to find its way into things before a phone call takes place: who rings up the number first?

Whatever your expectations, don’t completely abandon them, but be ready to modify them. When it comes down to it, relationships require efforts from both participants. The same applies to phone calls. If you’re waiting for a call and not getting it: communicate what you want. Say you would like a call and set up a time. If this happens once and then the other person never does anything, you can weigh your options: abandon pursuit or express (politely, with the other person’s well-being in mind) your expectations. After expression, if those expectations continue to go unfulfilled, it is time to move on.

On the other end, if you know someone wants to have a phone call, be willing to have a phone call! Try it out. Don’t be afraid to bear the beginning burden of taking the initiative, especially if you suspect your partner may be expecting it. Go ahead. Make their day. Remember, effort is continual and doing it once doesn’t mean you never have to do it again. However, after the ball gets rolling, your partner will likely jump in to help the ball keep moving. And, if they don’t, let them know that you would also like to be on the receiving end of the phone call, especially if it’s from one of your favorite people. It’s not too hard to understand that.

Overall, as stated before, finding a balance is key. Those involved in the relationship need to be open with one another and have discussions about what they expect and what they want to gain from their efforts. It is much easier to talk about what one wants early on, rather than to wait until after feelings have been hurt or mistakes have been ignorantly made.

Make a plan early on. The first step: schedule a call to communicate about all of this.

2. Enjoy the outside world

While some couples struggle to find time to correlate, other couples never stop. On the extreme side, a person may almost never leave their house unnecessarily, constantly communicating digitally with their lover. More commonly, a person may still go out, but find themselves lurking back into the walls of their screen, trying to stay connected to their partner through text or other means.

For most, this is understandable. Usually, without the separation of distance, your partner might be accompanying you when you go out friends. So, it is natural to miss having him or her there, and want to replace their physical presence with an online presence. Or, perhaps you want to share the excitement while it happens in the moment. When it comes down to it, all healthy relationships need a balance of together and separate. It’s often a dynamic between lover, friends, families, and work (although, let’s just assume that phone problems aren’t happening at the workplace).

It may feel easy to justify ignoring friends for interacting with your S.O., since the two of you are technically always separate physically and any time that feels like you’re “together” is vital. This excuse doesn’t hold up though. Online or not, a break from your loved one needs to happen for rejuvenation and a chance to be present in the world. Believe it or not, when you finally do rejoin with your partner, you may find that you appreciate them even more.

3. Share your worlds

Being present in the world without your loved one opens up a new path for growth: sharing experiences and thoughts you had throughout the day. At times, this might seem quite mundane. Maybe the most exciting thing that happened was someone leaving donuts in the break room—which happened to me today and it was honestly thrilling. If it seems lame, share it anyways! Honestly, I usually relish in hearing my husband talk, even in subjects he thinks I will find boring. In part, it is because he is so quiet, but I mainly love hearing him talk because I love him.

Sharing stories or talking about the basics of the day (experienced separately) improves a healthy feeling of connection within the relationship, more than constantly talking ever could. It allows for many different levels of intimacy to grow, such as emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, and spiritual intimacy (all of which I mentioned in an earlier blog post). The higher the intimacy levels, the higher the feeling of connection to your lover.

4. Ask questions

Physical distance does not decrease the odds of getting to know your partner. In fact, it will likely increase them. Without the aspect of physical intimacy possibly interfering with perspective, distance allows for a good chance to step back and really make sure you understand the person you’re dating.

And, of course, what a great way to get to know the person you’re investing your time in than to ask them questions! And then to listen. There are plenty of books, cards, and online resources that provide fun questions to ask. I would recommend popping a question or two daily, but do not feel the need to sit down and go over a list of them. These questions are exciting in small tastes, but exhausting in large portions. Then, after asking something fun, follow-up with the question “why?” This will be the best way to reveal the workings behind the person answering.

Next, don’t be afraid to also ask the basic questions, such as, “How was your day?” “What did you do at work?” “Any plans for later?” Again, make sure to ask the follow up questions, “How was that?” “Why do you say that?” “What do you look forward to most? Why?” They’re simple and expected, but these conversation starters will get you more than a forecast of the weather; trust me.

Finally, when you get asked a question, do not hesitate to give a good answer! Some may feel reluctant to share because they may not be able to think of anything “exciting.” It doesn’t really matter. This isn’t Grease and you don’t need to transform yourself to capture the heart of your loved one. Share what seems fun and share what might seem a little boring. Likely, your partner didn’t ask because they wanted entertainment. They asked because they care and want to know more about you. So, be willing to help them get to know you.

5. Don’t give up

I really do not need to type more than that. But, I will.

Face it, time spent apart isn’t fun. Eventually, doubts may lurk about. Is it worth it? Will this last? Do they even still like me? As hard as it is, keep in mind that difficulties will happen, long distance or not. If you can figure out how to overcome the doubts in long distance and make the relationship work with your partner, you’re one step further in your growth as a couple. And, when it comes down to it, this is long distance short-term. Don’t get stuck counting down the days, but remember the time apart will come to an end. Soon. The reunion will be worth it.

That’s a wrap on my short-term long distance relationship advice. The basic five points of advice will serve as a guide to some of the questions you may have and troubles you may encounter. In the end, distance can make or break a relationship. It’s a scary notion, but think of it this way: distance will either bring you closer to the right one or farther from the wrong one. So, take on the troubles of long distance with a positive outlook and you can make this experience a benefit to your relationship, not a detriment.